Last night, I thought about it again.
I'm finding it harder to sleep.
This dream like the others took a toll on my mind.
It was as if I was standing on the side of a highway,
that looked out onto a beautiful city,
during the most amazing sunset that I have ever seen,
When it just happens.
In that one moment every dream turned to nightmare.
I remember hearing a pop, like that of a firework,
coming from the city, when all of a sudden I see a bright light.
It happened so suddenly. I can still hear the aftermath,
the noise of all of the screams coming from the city.
The noise that haunts me day and night.
That awful noise that makes my ears hurt.
Just the very thought that one day,
one of those voices could be my own.
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Passing my time thinking of so called happy thoughts,
always thinking of the things I hold dear.
Thinking of how in one second my entire life,
I who defied the things that I took most priveleged,
could become nothing but a figment of someones imagination.
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More often then ever I lie awake,
unknowing of what may come to pass.
Everyone, without knowing of the process of their thoughts,
go about the main five questions in their minds.
Who, what, when, where, and why.
The very mentioning of these words make me reel.
Each of the five words meaning so much but so little.
Only one topic of choice for those five questions still quells me.
Life
Who created life?
What did they intend on life being?
When did life begin?
Where did life begin?
and finally
Why was life created?
In the end I find that, I,
knowing the questions, cannot answer them.
Every one in there own profession will think
of one of these questions, at least once a day.
I have only stated the questions,
it is up to you to answer them.
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The past few mornings I have found myself distraught.
My mind screaming but my body not listening.
Today was worse, I was saying things that no one should ever say.
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Some people have said that I look like I don't have any regrets.
They say that I don't care about things.
I sometimes wonder if they're correct.
I want to prove them wrong but I'm finding it difficult.
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This past week I keep seeing the very things that tied her life and mine.
I've found it strange that I can't stop thinking about her.
She's moved on and yet I'm stuck in the past.
I'm left with only the memories that she and I shared.
And the remaining fact that she may be the only person,
I will have embraced with my hopes for a truely happy love...
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Things don't usually go according to plan.
Today was an example of that.
Today one dream was truly crushed by reality.
Proving now more than ever dreams are just that ... dreams.
Thoughts that we just wish were true.
And just as we realize this, sadness ensues.
Hope is truly what we want.
What we never want to hear is the truth.
The bare truth is that truth will set you free but,
it shall always ensnares another victim.
All in all sadness and depression lives on.
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This night just like the others I had a strange feeling,
almost of me being struck down, dying, then the realization,
that of all of the lies my life is built upon, no one has seen or heard of the true me.
I hope and pray that when I die this document of my own being lives on,
for the fact that I have very few hopes and dreams.
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For any of you who put value into God, Please skip the next 2 passages.
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God, is a very interesting topic, don't you think?
I cannot believe that anyone who wishes you not to follow the ways of another,
would wish for you to believe and worship him.
But in the very end, these are my own thoughts, I Will not belittle him,
Or question him, for he is the one who gives everyone something to live on.
That one very thing that gives us somewhat of a meaning.
Hope...
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I'm sorry for that earlier passage but I thought that it had to be said...
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There is a saying that more than one person has brought to my attention,
"I seek pain to know that I'm alive."
The only sentence that I can honestly bring to they're attention,
What if we are not truly alive, but in a dream.
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My life is not one of certainty.
I know that I find myself hating the fact that
people could find something, someone better than me.
Yet, only I have found the hatred in my life,
and fear, such a fear that I must believe in its truth.
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Last night I had a very strange dream that ended similarly to another 3 days ago.
This one ended like the others, I was distraught in fear, fear for my life and everyone elses.
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